PART 1 : The Big Sneak, post Incognito Day

Tiara Sherlock-Bond and Darstadley Devious- Daydreamer's Adventures in Duke 59

Here is a transcription of conversations and events as they happened, recorded with my secret miniature dictaphone. 

It is like any other day and yet at the very same time it is something quite, quite different.

Tiara Sherlock-Bond and Darstadly Devious prepare to do a 12 hour sneak in the Duke of Cornwall Hotel in Plymouth.

(I have just pulled up outside no. 50, home of wild cats in sinks and Tiara Sherlock-Bond. We are on a mission and discussions take off with lightening momentum in a bubble of giggles and girly grown-up-ness....)

T : Good morning.

D : Good Morning to you too, how are you doing?

T : Ah Good, thank you. 

We look like grown ups!

(We searched our wardrobes and travelling bags, and found in corners suits and boots and bras, makeup and tights and matching underwear.)

D : Sorry I'm late. Do you know why I'm late, shall I tell you?

T : Yes go on...I didn't wake up until I heard the txt you sent.

D : I'm late because I tried to put some earrings in..

I spent 10 minutes trying to get them in and I couldn't and I felt really ashamed because I thought about the woman who pierced her cheek. I could get the left one in, no problem but this one -

no way!

Surely  I can just push it through...Can't I?

(03m14s)

T : I am wearing earrings 

and I painted my nails this colour 

and I put on makeup 

like a girl. 

D : I did so much last night. I ironed 3 shirts none of which I am wearing.

I thought I 'd put on some mascara and eye shadow and curl my eyelashes. When I opened the mascara it was a green thing with a tiny little brush on the end and I thought 'what's that for? I can't use that, I'd end up painting each eyelash one by one so instead I just curled my eyelashes. Ami was talking to me, the clamper got stuck and out came my lashes.

The things we do....

The things we do.......

Some women do this everyday. 

This has been a horrible, horrible experience!

I thought it was really funny last night when you said " I've never looked smart before." 

I've been to interviews and I've always got the job just by smiling

I think its really funny that we have had to get smart because we are doing an Art thing, isn't that amazing, doesn't that just turn the world upside down.

It does, I mean thats the whole point isn't it because its quite an austere hotel that is rotting at the sides and thats what we're doing as well putting on this ridiculous facade and our eye lashes are falling out and we don't know how to look like grown ups and I forgot to shave my legs. 

Thats another reason why I'm late, there were just so many things to do!

(05.23s)

I got up at 6am, and said to Ami, "I got to go shower, eat my porridge and put my business suit on"

Ami groaned and wrinkled her brow then rolled over.

After I had wasted 10 minutes failing to re-pierce my ear I went into the kitchen and it was 7.19, I was 14 minutes late. 

I have my recorder on. I've secretly hidden it. I had to take my top off in the car whilst I was driving here, completely off so that I could strap the wires over my shoulder and under the shirt.

You are devious Darstadly, It's lucky you had your business bra on! 

I've got this peg so if your lapel clip doesn't work we can just peg the mic to you. 

I did wonder about that peg?

You can't go wrong with a peg, really.....................................................................................................

Your watch, you have a watch!

It doesn't work, it's stuck on 11.20. LOOK! And it's crooked. 

I am trying though!

Yes. You look like you need to know the time.

My watch would be crooked as well. I have a man's one I bought from the tranny shop. I have to put it on the tightest hole and it's still really loose.

My blouse is one of my mum's old work blouses.

I was searching, searching and searching and there it was glowing in the back of the wardrobe.

I found things in my wardrobe that I didn't even know I had.

I got a job in a pet shop once where we had to wear overalls and khaki trousers and steel, toe-capped boots. Then I worked at Blockbuster and my boss was really sexist. He referred to me as 'tits with a smile'.

No!

Yeah but he paid so it was fine. 

Oh my gosh that road is called Gooseberry lane.

Do you think that was because there were a lot of gooseberries there once once upon a time?

Possibly when there were still green things in Plymouth.

Are you nervous?

Kind of. When we get in just don't make eye contact with the receptionist! Pretend you know where you're going.

Right, are we both ready?

I just want to make sure I'm dressed correctly. Am I dressed correctly? Are you sure?

I wore matching underwear which is what grown-ups do, it's black. Look!

(I looked)

(11m28s)

Shit.

My blacks don't match

You look the part!

I'm nervous

 It's cold

God I'm freezing

Fucking freezing!

We are not going to be able to swear for 12 hours so lets get it out now.

Fuck

Tits

Shit

Shit

Shit

Wank and Balls

(We head towards the main entrance from the car park and notice a group of workers standing behind a large window, they stare at us......I think I recognise one of them?)

Oh Shit!

Shit! 

Shit!

 Thats the man that was that followed us last time we were here.

Fuck!

We are not recognisable, he didn't recognise us!

Did he?

But he did look, didn't he? 

Did you just look? 

Did you look at him?

Yeah

I kind of looked but I didn't look very well, 

Was he looking at us,

right at us?

He waved...

Ok.. 

He WHAT?

I think he waved...

NO!

(Worried our cover is already blown before we even get in, we arrive at the revolving doors and T thinks somebody has pissed on the pavement because we have to step over a small puddle.We look up and see a hanging basket....)

Are we going to hook a right or go straight on?

Just a.....

(My microphone slips and the recording becomes a little surreal and disjointed and the sound of the revolving doors takes on the character of a scratched record and jumps with the language.

I think er......

laughter and giggles)

I like that....

They're really sweet...

(Slamming door......Strangers walk by and we engage in 

'business speak')

.......on my fax machine....

Yes, yes the fax machine it's great.....

Alan Sugar....

meeting in the conference room, 

downstairs, 

we have plenty of time.

(We  find a large old-fashioned shoe-shine machine in one of the corridors, it looks industrial and broken but we decide to give it a go by turning it on at the mains, it makes a huge clattering sound and vibrates.

Tiara Sherlock-Bond screams 

We turn

 laugh

 scamper

  through the door and up the stairs

giggling 

with

hearts pounding)